Dear 15 Year Old Ayana

I recently stumbled across a blog post where the author wrote a letter to herself five years ago. I love the idea of being reflexive and thought this would be the perfect spot to do so. The only problem is that at 15 I never really enjoyed reading so my letter to my 15 year old self will be in list form.

Dear 15 Year Old Ayana,

1. Don’t freak out on the first day of high school! Everyone gets lost and trust me you will end up lost on the first day of classes for the remainder of your academic career.

2. You love writing! Don’t be scared to really dive into newspaper. That classroom, teacher, and those students will become a home away from home.

3. Keep more positive people around you. The negative energy will try to clog your vision and your school work will suffer!

4. Stop covering your teeth when you smile, and stop wearing clothing to deliberately hide your body. You are beautiful with all your imperfections, embrace them.

5. Study harder in your math classes and try to retain as much information as possible because the GRE is no joke and I’d like a decent score.

6. The first guy you kiss will become a lifelong friend, so tread lightly because both of your futures are intertwined.

7. Eat healthier food! It’ll cleanse your mind, body and soul… trust me there is nothing natural about Burger King

8. Be happy and don’t sweat the small stuff, it’ll all work out in the end.

Peace!

Another New Year

With January 1^st  rapidly approaching I began thinking about what the last year has meant for me academically, emotionally, romantically, spiritually and physically. The last year has been busy and I must admit that I’m tired. I’ve always had a sankofa mentality when it came to life, so for me the best way to plan for next year would be to reflect on last year for all its highs and lows.

Academically:

I have definitely grown within my academic sphere. I’ve fallen in love with anthropology and archaeology to the point where it is difficult for me to see me doing anything else. Next year seems just as promising. In addition to my completion of my African American Studies minor, I’m crossing my fingers and hopefully by the summer I’ll be writing blog post from Tanzania (the thought of it excites me! I’ll keep you posted).

I’ll be graduating next year!!!! It is so scary to write, but I guess we all have to move on at some point right? So in less than 365 days I should be a graduate…that is if everything goes according to plan…and let’s face it, plans have a funny way of changing. Needless to say I’m excited to start my graduate school applications. All the schools I’m applying too are up north and have harsh winters that I’m not sure I can deal with… me and thermal underwear were never friends.

Emotionally/ Romantically:

I have always been a rather emotionally unstable person, I’m happy (or am I unhappy) to admit that that still hasn’t changed much. I can’t help but have my heart speak before mind does. Romantically, no big changes have occurred. I have come to the realization that I do like to be in intimate relationships, but thankfully not enough to put myself second in my life journey.

Spiritually:

I’m dedicating this coming year to being more in tune with my spiritual self. I’m excited and will keep you posted!

Physically:

I’ve dedicated the most this year to my physical self and being more in tune with myself by simply showing my body some love by taking care of it. In turn this has really positively affected me emotionally and spiritually. At first the changes that I wanted to make were purely for physical fitness but it soon became this holistic pursuit for balance in my life. Next year the pursuit will continue!

So what will be in store for next year? I have no idea… does anyone ever really know? Nope! I can just plan and be prepared with the knowledge of my past to face the changes that are ahead.

Peace 

A Love Affair

I am currently engaged in a love affair with Anthropology. Our relationship started in the summer of 2009 and I’ve been hooked ever since. It whispered in my ear sweet paradigms of thought that preached diversity and diffusion.  The first side it reviled to me drugged my insides with tales of culture and eroticized Others. I was in a haze. It knew this and took advantage of the situation. It grasped me by the hips and we started dancing in the dirt.

 Archaeology was… intriguing.

The dirt would kiss my hands and the objects would sing songs about people long past; people who were waiting to be heard and stories that were waiting to be told. Histories were waiting to be constructed, reconstructed, and deconstructed. We got dirty together and I liked it. And I loved that I liked it, because it brought me happiness.

However, happiness comes and goes.  When Anthropology began to divulge its past and creation to me my heart felt weak.  How could I love something that codifies otherness built on xenophobia and xenophobia’s friend, racism? It told me not worry. Told me that its past endorsement of colonial powers was gone. It lied. It still shows that ugly side every now and then, but I’ve told myself to only see the beauty. Only see the strength that dwells in its soul not the destruction it can cause.

Now, when we dance it isn’t as graceful. The lithe rhythms have been replaced with hard stances attempting to flow like water. I’m constantly questioning my love now and all it does is provide more questions instead of answers. The emotion felt isn’t happiness all the time, but it is stability. Our relationship is an  ebb and flow of knowledge, constantly changing yet is balanced.

The Next Step

“We do what we have to do so we can do what we want to do”

For the past two weeks between classes and experimenting with new cooking recipes I've watched The Great Debaters about ten times. I’ve watched it for the simple fact that it opens with the quote I placed above.

My peers and I are at a time in our lives when we are constantly being asked what we want to do after we graduate.  Yet many of us forget what we have to do in order to reach and achieve our goals. I am an Urban Flower Child and the world is too fast pace for me. Sometimes I lose sight of what I have to do because I’m too happy in the present and not focusing on the future. 

Recently in one of my classes a peer of mine asked me what my academic goals were. My answer was to be balanced and be at peace. Anthropology thus far has allowed me to do just that. Now as the fall term comes to an end I’m asked to look for the next step. Is the next step graduate school, the Peace Corps, or is it simply a break from it all for a year. I’m not sure, but for the last year I’ve pushed the question to the back of my mind mainly out of fear.

This fear was based on the fact that I simply didn’t know what Life has in store for me. People are always scared of the unknown; I am one of them. I’m working on countering that fear and so far my main solution has been to prepare myself; to do what I HAVE to do and always be prepared for Change.

I plan to graduate within the next year. Typing those words is terrifying, saying them out loud is even worse. Change has a funny way of creeping up on people. It hides clandestine on people’s journey through life. It masks itself in the form of chaos, shock, and destruction. But very often, like for me, it stands very visible in front of people.

Do what you have to do. Prepare for Change.

Peace

Ramble over…

Self Is

"Self is. Self is body and bodily perception. Self is thought, memory, belief. Self creates. Self destroys. Self shapes. Self adapts. Self invents its own reasons for being" - Parable of the Talents

Anyone who knows me personally knows I have a sweet and positive obsession with Octavia Butler. For those of you who don’t know, she’s basically the black matriarch in science fiction/ speculative fiction writings. The first work I read by her was Dawn. I fell in love.

My favorite work is the Parable series; which includes Parable of the Sower and Parable of the Talents. The quote I’ve opened this entry with is my favorite from the series. It has become a testament that explains my current perspective in regards to myself and the space I occupy in the universe.

“Self is”. We exist. We exist physically and metaphysically. Our perception of ourselves is based on “thought, memory, and belief.” We are shaped by our experiences in the world. What we remember and what we choose to forget or silence shapes us body and bodily. “Self creates. Self destroy. Self shapes. Self adapts. Self invents its own reason for being.” Self is constantly changing. Change is both progression and digression. These changes shape our being.

I am currently going through a progressive phase in my life, where I’ve begun to understand what self is and how self is shaped. In order for me, and for that matter anyone, to truly come to terms with themselves they need to understand and conceptualize their life experiences thus far (thought, memory, belief). This is my first quest: coming to terms with my past and understanding how it shapes what I’ve determined as my present and what I hope for my future. It’s a sankofa mentally at heart.

Ramble over.

-Peace